Glasgow
If you saw a man ordering ‘ugali’ delivery for Ferdinand Omanyala and Faith Cherotich in Glasgow, do not panic. It wasn’t an undercover sports agent. It was just Jordan Guenther, America's self-appointed, self-funded, and deeply obsessed tracking-and-field diplomat.
Known affectionately as the "wild mzungu," Jordan has spent 15 years fleeing what he terms the "boring Yues" (USA) to wave the Kenyan flag. Now, Kenyans on the internet want to reward his long service with something heavier than a gold medal: a Kenyan passport.
Jordan Guenther (in red), America's self-appointed Kenyan athletics fan, with Scottish police officers at the end of the track and field programme of the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow on Saturday. (Photo / Jordan Guenther / Facebook)
The online campaign reached a fever pitch after Jordan moved from mere cheering to active catering. He was spotted organizing logistics and carbohydrate-heavy Kenyan dinners for the athletic royalty ahead of their big finals at the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.
The internet immediately tagged Interior Cabinet Secretary Kipchumba Murkomen, demanding that Jordan be naturalized on the spot.
He has already been unofficially diagnosed with a "Kalenjin soul” and nicknamed “Kipchumba”, presumably fueled by an internal, spiritual supply of ugali and mursik.
Jordan addressed the roaring digital crowd with the ultimate humble brag: "Should we officially become pamily (sic), neighbors, and should I be made a Kenyan officially?" he teased on Facebook.
Jordan Guenther celebrates with Kenya's 5,000m team of Crnelius Kemboi, race winner Mathew Kipsang and Andrew Alamisi after the 5,000m final on Saturday. (Photo / Jordan Guenther / Facebook)
He was quick to clarify his status to avoid any tax audits from Athletics Kenya: "Don’t forget, I am not a coach... I am not an agent." He is just a guy who bleeds red, green, black, and white, funding his own cross-continental trips out of pure, unadulterated patriotism for a country he wasn't actually born in.
For Jordan, the motivation is painfully simple.
He loves the 254 "for free, from the heart."
While most sports fans settle for buying a replica jersey, Jordan bought a birthday cake and balloons for 400m national record holder Mercy Oketch, transforming into a one-man hospitality committee in Scotland.
While he admits that dual citizenship "would be cool to make the ties official," he promises he will never beg the government for a legal document.
He is perfectly content being the "wild mzungu" printing banners and declaring that "Kenya is the capital of Africa."
He signs off his address to his internet fans with a classic: "Nawapenda sana wote" (I love you all). Your move, CS Murkomen — the man is already speaking the language!
The digital investigation took a thrilling, cinematic turn when the Facebook “pamily” began whispering that Jordan’s “self-funded superfan” routine is the perfect cover story for a high-level CIA operative.
Honestly, the math checks out: who else has an unlimited, unchecked budget to fly around the world for 15 years, possess top-secret clearance to the inner sanctuaries of elite athletes, and maintain a highly suspicious, hyper-specific obsession with Rift Valley running splits?
USA's 'Wild Mzungu' Jordan Guenther takes a selfie with Kenya's Mile bronze medallist Timothy Cheruiyot in the background at the Scotstoun Stadium in Glasgow on Saturday. (Photo / Jordan Guenther / Facebook)
If “Langley” (CIA’s top brass) wanted to embed a deep-cover spy to monitor the undisputed global capital of lung capacity, disguising him as a brightly dressed, cake-bearing, enthusiastic mzungu who screams himself hoarse at Scotstoun Stadium is a stroke of pure psychological genius.
Jordan laughs these CIA claims off.
Some Facebook “Pamily” Reactions” to Jordan Guenther's passion for Kenya and Kenyan athletics:
@KalenjinWarrior: "Give this man a passport! He has eaten enough track dust to qualify as a relative from Eldoret."
@Omondi_Champs: "He is ordering food for Omanyala? He is no longer a mzungu. That is a village uncle right there."
@Murkomen_LookAlike: "CS Murkomen, please stop editing road designs for five minutes and sign this man’s citizenship papers!"
@BoringUSA_Refugee: "Jordan saying 'boring yues' is the most Kenyan thing ever. Welcome to the pamily officially!"
Incidentally, Jordan's birthday is this coming Thursday, August 6!
